need to change.

I need to change my personality because my current one has some major flaws. I am no loud, and ends up being seen as being an agressive person and not a caring person. And I know I do care a lot about people, but I believe I don't convey that - but mostly an annoying high pitch chatter. And thats not attractive to anyone.

Why am I tired?

For a long time now, its been very hard for me to go to sleep and when I do sleep, its been harder to wake up early. This morning, I woke up 20 minutes before I had to be at work and had to book it.

I really think its because I've lost motivation to go to work. And then sitting all day in the office, I come home tired and try to get my own personal stuff done. I finally give up and play on the computer and try to fall asleep. I need a change of routine.

Define "Fat" ?

You know whats the most annoying thing for me to hear... hearing skinny Asian girls calling themselves fat.

I know I am saying this because deep inside I am envious of their Asian girl frames and I do think of myself as being fat. So I am a hypocrite for even criticizing them for this, but it still bothers me. Its not so much that they may be fishing for compliments or truly feel like they are fat, but the mere fact that if they call themselves fat, I must be huge!!

And of course they would never say I am fat or huge, but I think its because they generally don't think I should be compared to Asians. Typically Asian girls will say "but you are tall," and such, which I usually take it as " since you aren't full Asian, we can't expect you to look like me," which is true because I am never going be 108 pounds at 5' 2''.

However, I hangout with a bunch of 5' 2'' 108 pound girls, which makes me feel quite big around them sometimes. Its not their fault at all that I feel like that sometimes - I think its just due to human nature to want to fit in with their community. And especially in the Asian single community, everybody "type" of guy and girl tends to fall around that range. So when guys talk about their "type," it generally means the 5'2- 5'6 range but always 108pounds.. And girls "type" is .. well.. anyone bigger than them, which isn't as discriminative against genetics. But I do share sympathy with the guys who barelly passed the kid's size requirement for rollercoasters.

So here I am, hanging out with a bunch of Asians and still single. Me think there is a strong reason for this. And its not even about my frame size, but generally I don't think I am Asian enough for a lot of Asian guys. I had a similar conversation with several other half-Asian girls, and we all seem to have similiar problems within the Asian community for whatever reason. ( those super hot half mix girls don't count because I am speaking about normal looking people and not the people who won the genetic lotto ticket)

My sister got lucky with marrying a Hmong, but I think it was because she was the only Asian girl in a 30minute vicinity in Germany, so without other options, my brother law actually got over his "type" preference and went to the closest Asian. (of course this is my theory, but I question if this would happen if they met in California)

So my conclusion is to stop hanging out with Asians and faced the reality that I am stuck with a white person. And not to say that would be a bad thing at all, but I don't know any white guys, or atlead not white guys that have some kind of decent education and doesn't expect me to love his 4x4 Truck as much has he does. My other option is to move to a country where I am the only Asian girl, and hope for a lonely Asian boy like my sister.

One is the loneliness number

Lately, I have been trying to adjust to Texas, and being away from family. I have been in this state for a year and half, and still, I don't dare to say or even want to say that I am a Texans. The mere idea of giving up my Michigan Linceses Plate and Michigan Driver Lincese Card is unimaginable. And the biggests reason is the fear that once I settle in Texas, I am doomed to stay here for the rest of my life. The only reason I am here is the mere fact my company made it so.

But why do I struggle with this? Well, I think if I moved to DC or Chicago, I would easily give up my Michigan Lincese Plate because I feel like that there would be more opportunities to find new jobs, meet new people, and even start a family... wait.. scratch that start a family bit, that can't happen until I find a spouse. And I don't think thats going happen because that particular area is a significant challenge for me ( urgg... I don't even want to it because its not anyone elses fault but mine .)

And so, this goes back to my feeling of loniness of not having family here at all. I have friends, but there is only so much friends can do in this area of intimacy. And there is not enough distractions in this entire area to stop this creeping feeling of the lack of family.

However, I have to be grateful that I have a job in an area that seems to weather the economic downturn a lot better than the rest of america. And I need to think of this as a pit stop to bigger better things. SO.. it goes back to thinking about Grad School, and trying, ever slowly, studing for the GRE and figure out how to pay for Grad school. Cause I think of myself as a fake IT person, and if I was to hire an IT business analysis, I don't think I would hire myself.

What do I like?

Lately, I have been really trying hard to find out what are things I like to do for the sake of doing them.. and I came up with nothing.

Is this what my college education, driven for success and always putting myself down as comes too?

All I can do is look up to God and say " GOD.. I just don't care!".........

My Favorite Musical Artist Right Now.

Lately, I have been raving about an Somalian American Hip Hop artist named K'Naan. He is a rapper/singer who immigrated to the US from Somalia, but in my opining is a musical genius. His lyrics are amazing poetry of very powerful human experiences that speaks about life and about a social cause. And his lyrics are creative and flows soo smoothly.. that everytime I listen to it, the music hits me again.

I really want him to make it really big in the US and Europe, so people can really listen to his music and force a change in the music industry. And demand more real music that address whats really happening in the world. I would like people to listen to his music and not see Africa, or any other war torned country, as something alien from our own reality.

So I really recommend just listening.

Grad School.

Should I or should I not? and when?

URg.. I have been thinking a lot about going to Grad school to get a MS in IT management because I know I lack some important skills at work. Since I come from a non-engineering background, everyday I do doubt what I am doing. My other concerns are related to what would happen to my career.

And I am afraid I'll hit a point where I can't move anywhere because I lack the skills and thus, I am doomed in only a few roles. My greatest fear is what would I do if I get layed off, would I find another job? Will I be automatically not considered because I don't have the right education on my resume? Even worse, I can't find a job that doesn't require the super duber techical experience.

So I really want to go back to Graduate School. Yet, there are all these other concerns on how am I going find the time and energy to study for the GRE. Or how am I going be able to pay for school ? Or even worse, how am I going pay for my living expenses. The money issue is such a big deal with me that when I look at graduate programs, I first look at is their tuition page. I hate the fact that so many of the programs are soo expensive. Even the really low programs are at least 20,000$, and these schools are a tier lower than MSU.. so whats the point?

I see the numbers, and I'm sent into this depressive state. The fact is, I can't expect to get the same financial aid for grad school as I did when I was in undergrad. I find it hard to save a lot of money in a short period of time too. And all of this won't happen until I get steller GRE scores and hopes for a TA job. I wish God can just change the situation where I can take some of this off my plate.

I really do need Jesus guidance on this issue. I don't even know if this is the right course for my life, or should I be looking for something else.