Vicki's Rant on Ranting.

Lately, I have been ranting a lot on abstract concepts . Ranting about the christianity, ranting about racism, ranting about sexism and all the in-betweens. And I think the biggest part of my ranting is my feelings of frustration that others just don't care.

I think compared to my other sisters, I have the biggest problem with being a mixed child. I seem to care the most about the topic of being a Hapa-Korean, while my other sisters live in some kind of complete peace and tranquility about the topic. However, I don't know why I feel so bothered by this .

I think the biggest reason is that I spend a significantly more time with Korean Americans than my other sisters. I go to a Korean American church, which is the epicenter of Korean American Civic life of every Korean American community. So, I feel like I run against these walls of discreet racism and sexism, which many, but not all, seem to be insignificant or simply not real according to others. Especially, when it happens within a church, I get a little bit concerned of the hypocrisy of it. And honestly, that's what drives me crazy, when I am told that its not that big of a deal.

I don't want to justify what I see as racism or sexism because its almost saying what I see and feel is not credible enough. I can explain it, but yet again, how do I explain something to a person who lacks the experience to understand.

It would be like a black man trying to explain to a white man how it is to grow up being a black man. How much can a white man really understand just how is it?

For example, when a I hear Korean American Girls and Guys say they would prefer to marry a Korean, it almost feel like they are saying that having a half-breed child is less than a preferred choice. Its saying, not so blatantly, that someone like me is a undesirable outcome.

Or when I see Korean American girls who always.. always.. talk about loosing weight. Is that because being an American sized girl is unfeminine, and thus, undesirable? Do Korean American girls have to accept this form of sexism that says that there is "preferred" body ?

And when you put racism and sexism together, there are some real double standards. Where Half Koreans are praised as hotties in Korean media, and then I am in bar in Seoul with another half Korean girl who is sobbing over her third beer on how unattractive she is in Korea and to Korean Americans (and this is a real story)

And at the end, no one cares to even think this is a real issue - I guess racism and sexism should only be in the black and white dialogue.

Or maybe, I need to spend less time with Korean Americans like my sisters, because why am I subjecting myself to these race and gender identity issues?